So, today's post is going to have a different feel than the usual. Justin and I try to stay positive and we do a good job of that most days. Every now and then I have a down day. I'm not sure what triggers my down days.....it just kind of happens when I wake up. Today he just doesn't want to eat for some reason which can be frustrating and worrisome. Usually I try to be this perfect mom that just does what I have to and smile while doing it. My blog is usually about how great Tanner is doing and how he's exceeding expectations. I usually think "Thank God Tanner was given to ME and not somebody that doesn't have the will to do the best for him".
I'm sure I'm going to regret thinking out loud about how I'm feeling and thinking today but I feel I shouldn't keep it all inside either. Today I keep thinking to myself "why MY baby"? "Why OUR family"? In a post a few days ago I closed by saying "this our life, our family, and we wouldn't change a thing". That was me trying to be the perfect strong mother that I strive to be. The truth is.....if God himself stood in front of me and offered to change one thing in my whole life, I would change just ONE thing. I would ask him to please make our beautiful, precious baby boy healthy. Please make him seizure free, let him always eat well, help him gain weight, please no more surgeries, no physical and mental delays, no early intervention, no biweekly weight checks, no more weekly appointments.......please give our Tanner his full chromosome 4. Please make the Wolf-Hirschhorn Syndrome just go away. I love my baby Tanner....more than words can express. I'm so happy to have him in my life. Although there are things I would change about Tanner's health, I would never change that he is my baby. My friend Lauren who is mother of Norrah (who also has WHS) said it best in her inspirational post called "The Odds", " Though I pray that Norrah experiences healing on this side of heaven and though I yearn for her to live without pain, delay or defect... I wouldn't have it any other way than for me to be her mother and her to be my child.".
I hope my down day is not misunderstood. I love our baby!! He makes me smile countless times a day. I do feel blessed that I am able to have children, that Tanner is doing well, and that he is with us today. Some days...I guess I get greedy and wish for a little more. I know Tanner's syndrome cannot just go away. So, I will continue to do what's best for him. I will continue to pray for him. I will continue to strive to be the best mother I can be.